How Do I Help?

My best friend is a great guy. I've written about him before, and when I told him I was starting a blog I asked him for ideas. One of the things he came back to me with was "how can I identify people who are struggling and what can I do to help?" This post is for him, and for those of you out there who might not struggle with your mental health but know someone who does.

It was Mental Health Awareness Day yesterday, which meant that there was loads of chat about how it's good to talk, and how you should definitely tell everyone you know that you're struggling so that they can support you. But we all know that that's easier said than done. Sometimes the last thing you want to do is talk about how you're feeling - sometimes you just want some support without having to discuss your innermost thoughts. And that means that sometimes, the people around you don't notice that you're not in a great place.

This post is going to take you through a few different ways that you might spot someone in your circle who is having a tough time, and what you can do to help. It's by no means an exhaustive list, but it's a start. I also want to make it clear that my personal stance, for what it's worth, is that we should be doing far more to appropriately resource existing mental health services - talking about your difficulties only works when there's someone to talk to, and ideally that person should be qualified to help. But we all need a little bit of support now and then, and this post is a small start.

If you've got a friend who is starting to struggle with their mental health, these are the kinds of things you should be looking out for. Bear in mind that this is written for people who haven't had much contact with mental health services or people who are struggling (I know, there are people out there, trust me!), so it might sound a bit basic to some of you. That's okay - we all had to start somewhere:

• First off, have you noticed that they're more distracted than normal? Being a bit distracted or forgetful can happen when you're stressed, but it can also be a sign of a little bit more than a difficult home or work situation. Either way, it can't hurt to ask if you care about them - "I've noticed that you're a bit distracted, are you okay?"
• They might be more snappy or irritable than usual. Now, I'm pretty snappy and irritable on a daily basis, but my friends and colleagues know the difference between my usual joking "absolutely not!" when they ask to borrow my stapler and a different, more serious reaction that might suggest that I'm struggling. If it feels more cutting than usual, maybe check in that everything's okay.
• Are they cancelling plans with you more than usual? Everyone's busy, but if it happens more than twice with no real explanation then it might be because they're struggling and either anxious (so they're cancelling plans) or depressed (so they're withdrawing). I wouldn't suggest turning up at their house unexpectedly (although they're your friend, so maybe gauge yourself as to whether they would appreciate that) but it might be a good idea to point out what's happening and ask how you can help.
• Watch out for the more subtle changes in their behaviour. Are they usually good-natured but today they're just sighing and ignoring everyone? Do they look tired, or are their clothes a little more rumpled than usual? People are allowed to have bad days, but if it's happening regularly, it might be a signal that they need some help.
• Watch for what people say. If you know a friend has been through a tough time, watch out for them constantly talking about or reliving the event when they're with you. That can be a sign of PTSD, for which they might need some professional help.

So what can you do if you've noticed that someone is struggling? These are a few ideas based on what works for me, and what I know has worked for other people:

• First, remember that this isn't about you. I know you want to help but bear in mind that even though your intentions are good, the person who is struggling might not want your help. Be careful, and tentative, about offering any support in case it actually makes things worse.
• When in doubt, chocolate! I have two co-workers in particular who respond well to chocolate when they're struggling, so I've made a mental note of their favourites and I can bring them out when needed. It's a really small thing but it shows that I care enough to remember, and reminds them that they're not alone. This also works for cups of tea, biscuits and other small edible things. Be mindful that if the person you're trying to support is struggling with an eating disorder, this is probably not the best thing to do though.
• Offer to temporarily take on a little bit of their work - either actual work if they're a colleague, or chores if they're not. Walking their dog, helping them to tidy and organise things at home, picking their kids up from school or dropping them off in town can really help when people are struggling.
• Encourage them to see their GP if you think they need to. Remember that things like medication are not a magic fix for mental health problems, but they can help significantly. Encourage them to take up any offers of therapy that are given - there can often be a long waiting list, but it's an even longer wait if you're not even on the list in the first place.
• Take them out! Not all mental health difficulties need professional help - sometimes mild depression or anxiety respond very well to more time doing the things you enjoy and managing the things causing the problem. A good night out or a day spent wandering around a new city with a friend can work wonders - again, it's not a fix, but it's a step in the right direction.
• Remember that if someone chooses to talk about their mental health with you, it's a privilege. Regardless of what they say, don't judge them or appear too shocked - concerned, absolutely, but make it clear that you're okay with them saying what's on their mind. They don't want to feel like they've traumatised you, or like you can't handle what they're telling you - that makes it less likely that they'll talk to you again.

Do you have any tips for identifying people who are struggling, or what's worked for you before? Let me know in the comments.