How to set boundaries more effectively

Building on from my last blog post, here's a post on how to set boundaries more effectively in relationships, with a number of tips and hints on doing so.

It's been a few weeks since my last post - I'm still trying to get consistency in posting on this blog, but between my NHS and online work, it can be a challenge! In my last post, I said that I'd spend some time in this post discussing how to set boundaries more effectively.

If you know what boundaries you have, but are finding it difficult to implement them effectively, there are a number of communication strategies you can use.

Clear and direct statements
I've been a clinical psychologist for over a decade, and one thing I've definitely found to be true is that lots of people think their communication is clear and direct when it couldn't be further from those things! To be clear and direct myself:

• Hinting (e.g. "oh, that table needs putting together") is NOT clear and direct.
• Assuming telepathy ("she should just know!") is NOT clear and direct.
• Agreeing with others and ignoring your own needs ("I don't know, whatever you want to do") is NOT clear and direct.

Being clear and direct involves stating specifically what it is that you need - you might not get it, but at least you know that your communication wasn't the reason for that. Examples might be:

• "I know you want to go out tonight, but I'm too tired so I won't be joining you."
• "Can you help me put that table together on Sunday afternoon please?"
• "I'd like pizza for tea but I'm open to other suggestions!"

Something to note is that when you're used to a more passive style of communication, being clear and direct (being assertive) can feel like you're being aggressive. It's also easy to "over-correct" and actually come across as aggressive! I'd recommend practicing what you want to say and the tone you want it to come across in before you actually try to set a boundary, in front of a mirror if needed, so that you know how you sound and are more able to discuss things calmly.

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Using "I" statements
It's often easy to blame others for how we feel, even if we don't mean to. This puts the focus back on the other person, when it really needs to be on your boundaries and how to assert them. Using "I" statements shows that you're willing to focus on how you feel, and to take responsibility for that - as long as the other person does the same. Some examples:

• Instead of "you always leave the dishes in the sink!" try "I need you to give me some reassurance that you'll do the dishes tonight, because I feel frustrated when I have to ask you twice."
• Instead of "you don't care about me," try "I feel like you're ignoring me, and as though I'm not a priority."

Beware of "I" statements that are really just watered-down "you" statements, e.g. "I feel like you're really disrespectful and aggressive" - you've added "I feel like" but really the statement isn't about your feelings, it's about the other person being disrespectful and aggressive. It takes some time to focus on your own feelings about a situation and to own those, but it can really help in setting boundaries effectively.

Broken record technique
This one is a favourite of mine because it's so easy and SO difficult at the same time! Sometimes people think that if they just keep asking in a different way, they'll wear your boundaries down and get what they want. And sometimes that works. But it doesn't work if you're using the broken record technique - continuing to say almost exactly the same thing, and making it really boring to try to argue with you:

"I'm too tired to go out tonight, so I'm going to stay home."
"Oh come on, you never come out with me!" (this is an invitation to argue)
"Sorry, like I said, I'm going to stay home."
"You're being really boring!" (this is also an invitation to argue)
"Nevertheless, I'm still staying home tonight."
"Fine, if you don't even care enough about me to come out tonight" (this is, unsurprisingly, also an invitation to argue - sucking you in so that you explain how much you do care and at some point in the conversation also agree to go out)
"I don't know what to tell you - I care about you and I'm still staying home tonight."

This is a technique to use with people you care about who just aren't getting the message. For that person in the bar who won't leave you alone, I don't recommend any technique that continues communication, including broken record. Just walk away.

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Setting consequences
As we established in my last post, actions have consequences. If you smoke a cigarette near me, I'm likely to leave. My presence is conditional on there being as smoke-free an environment as possible. Having consequences for actions helps to establish appropriate boundaries, and it's helpful to use an "if - then" format - for example:

• If we go to see your parents and your mother makes a comment about my weight, then I will leave.
• If you feed the children sweets before dinner, then you will be the one putting them to bed tonight.
• If you are coming home late and don't tell me, then I won't wait to eat with you.

The absolutely fundamentally crucial thing about setting a consequence is that you HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON IT. You HAVE TO. Don't set a consequence if you don't think you'll have the ability to follow it through when the time comes, as all that does is teach the other person that your boundaries are negotiable at best, ignorable at worst. Consequences can be graded, you don't have to go to the highest option first (e.g. it might not be leaving first, it might be going to sit in the car for a bit, or leaving the house for an hour rather than leaving permanently). But I can't stress enough, do not set a consequence that you can't follow up.

So that's my post on how to set effective boundaries. There are loads more ways to do so, and they might form another post in future - for now, if you've got any good ways to set boundaries, let me know in the comments.