How To Leave An Abusive Relationship

As with last week's post, everything is going to be behind the cut because I'm aware it could be very upsetting for some people. If you do read this post, and it's salient for you, make sure you have a way of talking care of yourself. With that said, building on the theme of last week's post, this post is going to be about how to leave an abusive relationship.

If you're reading this post, it's possible that you're either in an abusive relationship or you know someone who is and want to support them. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that even thinking about leaving a relationship that is abusive is an act of extreme courage. If you're used to being told that your feelings don't matter, that you don't matter, then starting to reclaim some space for yourself is incredibly hard. Here are some tips on how to do it.

First thing's first - you need to have a plan. The most dangerous time for people in an abusive relationship is when they actually leave - this is when you are most at risk of being killed. This is terrifying to talk about, but if we don't discuss it we can't do anything about it. Having a plan is really important because it allows you to plan for most eventualities and prevents you from having to return to get things that you didn't consider before you left.  Within your plan, you should include the following:
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• Where are you going to go - one of the things to think about is where exactly you're going to go. You need to make sure that your abuser doesn't know where you've gone, or that if they do, you are with people who can protect you and run interference. You may be able to use this link to look for a refuge in your area, if you're in the UK.
• When are you going to leave - if you're leaving, it is a bad idea to let your partner know about it. Pick a time when they are away from the home, preferably when they won't be returning for a little while, to give you the time you need to pack and leave without rushing.
• How are you going to leave - are you going to get a taxi, or ask a friend to come and get you? Are you going to walk to the nearest bus stop? How long will it take you to get to where you are going? All of these things are important, because it is going to be difficult and emotionally draining to leave, and leaving anything to chance is likely to make you more stressed. Mentally rehearse what is going to happen a few times in your head, so that you feel as confident as possible that you can do it without thinking about it too much.
• Who can you trust - you need to make sure that the people who know that you're leaving are on your team. You don't want your partner to know where you are, and it's really important that they don't find out where you are from the people around you. Make sure you've been clear with people about what's going on, and if your friends or family are dismissive, or make excuses, or blame you, you need to factor them out of your leaving plans. They might be able to come back into your life at a later date, but they aren't the right people to help you right now.
• What are you going to take - if you have to leave quickly then that's what you have to do, no judgment or questions asked here, but if you have some time, it's worth making a plan of the things you're likely to need. Things like:
  • ​Your birth certificate and passport, and any other ID you have
  • Recent bank statements or credit card statements
  • Your rental contract or mortgage statement
  • Any medication you may need, and a copy of your repeat prescription
  • A spare set of keys for the house you are leaving, in case you do need to go back at a time that is safe
  • Some money - both notes and spare change
  • Your mobile phone and any chargers that you need - be sure to turn off any tracking apps that you might have, and change your mobile number asap
• You might want to put these things in a box and hide it somewhere - saving up some money can take time if your partner doen't allow you access to funds.
• Why are you leaving - it's also a good idea to write down clearly the reasons that you are leaving. Our memories can get distorted with time, and there are likely to have been good things about the relationship too. You need to remember the bad times as they were, not as your memory wanted them to be, so that you don't feel that it would be okay for you to go back into that situation. It's not, and you need to remember that.

There may be things that make it more difficult for you to leave - you may have children, or you might not have much money or much freedom to be able to put the above things into place. Know that there are people who care about you, and that there are people out there who want you to be safe. I want you to be safe. I want you to be able to look back on this and wonder how you found the strength to leave, and know that it was because you were always strong, you just needed a reminder. I'm rooting for you, and you can contact me if you need any further help or advice.

Other places you can go for help include:

• ​Women's Aid
• Refuge
• Mankind
• Men's Aid
• Galop

I hope this article is helpful to some people, although I really wish it didn't need writing. If it's been useful, you can contact me or let me know in the comments.