Embracing Imperfection

I hate to tell you this, but you're not perfect. Neither am I, however much I might like to be. This week I'm talking about perfectionism - what it is, and how you can manage it so that it has less of an impact on you.

We all have a little bit of perfectionism in us. That tiny voice that says "if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right" or "if you don't have high standards, you don't have anything." That voice often comes from our parents, or our friends and family when we were young, and the reason it sticks with us is because behaving like this has some advantages as well as disadvantages. You can have high standards and enjoy it, and it doesn't have to take its toll on your self-esteem.  But for lots of people, that's not the case. Let's take a look at what perfectionism is, and how you can cope with it.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a personality trait, which means it isn't just related to how people act, it's about how they think and feel as well. People who are perfectionists often work very hard, striving towards the goals that they set for themselves or goals that others set for them. Sometimes they get pleasure from meeting the targets they set, and sometimes these goals can make them really miserable.

Let me be clear - perfectionism as something that you hold very dear isn't healthy. It's impossible to be perfect, and trying to be can only lead to stress and sadness. Although we often think that there are advantages to perfectionism (tasks get done well, people view you as reliable and good at meeting targets, you succeed at what you want to do) there are many more downsides to tying your self-worth to trying to be perfect. Perfectionistic tendencies have been linked to lots of different difficulties, including:

• eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating difficulties)
• self-harming
• anxiety (things like social anxiety, and generalised anxiety)
• post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

We tend to see perfectionism as a positive thing a lot of the time - it's seen as a mark of someone who is thorough, careful and good at their job. Just having high standards isn't the problem - it's striving for an unrealistic ideal that's the issue. And the bit that people don't see is the relentless self-critical thoughts that often come with being a perfectionist.
"You can do better than that"
"You're so stupid - why can't you do things right?!"
​"You'll never be good enough"
If you recognise this kind of thought process when things don't go exactly the way you want them to, you might describe yourself as a perfectionist. Now that we know it's not helpful or healthy, what can we do about it?

How to manage perfectionism

• Take a look at your thoughts - are you constantly beating yourself up in your head? If so, write down the kinds of things that you're saying to yourself. If you wouldn't say them to a friend, ask yourself why you're treating yourself that way (no, you're not the exception to the rule and yes, of course I knew you were going to say that).
• Avoid all or nothing thinking - all or nothing, or "black and white" thinking, is a really insidious way of looking at things. It makes superficial sense ("if a job's worth doing it's worth doing well, always give 100%," etc) but it actually leads to exhaustion as you push yourself to reach unachievable targets. If you have a chronic illness, it can be even worse - you need to do things gradually, not all at once. It's okay to leave a project unfinished for a little while, or stop doing something to have a break and a cup of tea. It's not the end of the world, and is much healthier than pushing yourself to exhaustion.
• Fail intentionally - this is going to sound a little bit ridiculous, but if failure is so painful to you that you can't even contemplate it, maybe you need to get comfortable with failing. Go for a job that you know you're not quite qualified for. Submit some writing that you're not completely happy with to a magazine. Become more comfortable with being rejected, with getting things wrong, with not being perfect. The truth is that you were never perfect, you just worked really hard and tried to push that self-critical voice down deep inside. But everyone fails, and getting used to it can expose that inner voice for what it is - pointless, and wrong.
• Learn to delegate - if you're exhausted because "nobody else does things in the right way, so I have to do them," learn to delegate some of the things you do. The world is not going to end because your partner hangs the washing out "the wrong way." Learn to tolerate that anxiety and frustration (use some relaxation or breathing, or distract yourself until the feeling passes), and let it go.
• Start to recognise the positive things that you have - when you're a perfectionist, nothing is ever quite good enough (because nothing is perfect, of course). If you can change your focus on to the things that are positive about what you have, rather than focusing on the things that aren't quite good enough for you, you'll be happier and better off in the long run.

And there you have it. If perfectionism is something that you really struggle with, get in touch, I might be able to help. Let me know your tips for managing perfectionism in the comments.